Violet Loveland's extraordinary rescue

Since our cat Violet went missing on Monday, I've been patrolling my neighborhood, a complex of townhouses, calling her name and shaking toys and treats, hoping to entice her to come out. We publicized our search on Tuesday, and received lots of good wishes, thoughts, and tips. We put up posters, set an alert with Home Again, and shared on Facebook and local news sites like nextdoor.com.

Violet and Isabella in calmer times

One neighbor suggested looking at construction sites, as their family pet was found at one after a 17-day search. Others suggested setting a humane trap outside along with her litter box. All of the buildings look the same, so we figured it was quite likely she was lost very close by, and scared.

My family was growing more distraught and hopeless as the week progressed. On Friday afternoon, I went for a walk with a friend and brought my flashlight and a cat toy. We were talking and calling for Violet when after about three minutes, we heard a frantic meowing. The next door neighbor came out from her back porch and we asked if a cat lived there. She said that she'd called the neighbor that morning around 10 am to make sure the cat was OK because the meowing was louder than normal, and that the neighbor had just told the cat to be quiet and moved on with her day. But the next door neighbor agreed that the meowing sounded frantic, so she called the other neighbor a second time, around 4 pm. We waited for a couple of minutes in this neighbor's house, and she got a call from the adjacent apartment that the meowing was coming from the wall and that it was not her cat!

I called to Violet from the vent opening in the second floor and heard her and her bell jingle very clearly. I was so, so relieved to have located her! I was crying and hugging my friend and neighbors. Little did we know, our rescue effort would take us until the next day.

I sat in my neighbor's bedroom calling Violet for about 5 hours. I phoned everyone I could think of: Boston Fire Department, Animal Control, Angell MSPCA, the building management company, HVAC specialists.  The Boston Fire Department and Animal Control tried for hours to get her out, with no luck.

It seemed Violet was trapped next to, not in, this duct in the wall.

Finally, a contractor from our town came to our rescue.  Greg, an employee at Step by Step Construction, owned by Todd Vaughan, came out and spent 3 hours trying to get her out. By 10 pm, we had a few holes in the first-floor ceiling but no Violet. We decided to regroup in the morning.

After a night of little sleep, Greg returned with Todd. They cut open the duct work in the second floor and had her out within 45 minutes!

This little cat caused quite a disturbance and a lot of repairs! We suspect that she somehow fell through a small hole in my townhouse in the attic and crawled across to the neighbor 3 doors down.  We have sealed off the attic and Violet is readjusting nicely to her surroundings, albeit with a lot fewer than her original 9 lives! We are so, so happy to have her home, and so grateful for everyone's searching, thoughts, tips, and good wishes. And if you need a reliable, honest contractor, please call Todd Vaughan, 617-504-0914 or stepbystepconst@aol.com.

Loving Kindness Meditation

I've had a lot of changes in my life lately, so I've taken up regular meditation as a way to introduce some calm into the chaos. I found one ritual especially useful.

I swim once or twice a week in the amazing pool my company maintains. It's always a calming experience. This week, I decided to introduce a loving kindness meditation into my swim.

As I learned in the book Real Happiness, a loving kindness meditation focuses on the following mantra:

May you be safe
May you be loved
May you be happy
May you live with ease

First, you apply this to yourself. Then, you can focus on loved ones, family members, and friends, and the universe if you like. The book recommended that you test your compassion by directing your meditation at a challenging person in your life.

I was amazed by how much this small exercise calmed my brain and made me feel at peace. I had a brighter outlook and a calmer mindset that lasted for the rest of the day.

Next time I'm having a challenging day, I'm going to recall this feeling of goodwill, and pause to do a loving kindness meditation.

Summer check in

Wow, it's been longer than I realized since my last post back in June. I have certainly had a busy summer. Lu has been to 9 weeks of interesting, enriching camps. We took a trip to NH and ME to visit family and friends. We've all been enjoying the frenzied pace of summer and all of its activities.

Work has been busy, with a successful launch of my latest project today. And I've been working on my personal growth, specifically on my intention early this year to relinquish control over more and to go with the flow. To surrender.

With over half of the year behind me, I'm reflecting on what has changed by fully embracing my new attitude. It's nearly universally positive. I'm still putting in every effort at work. I am being the best mom and wife that I can. I am slower to anger and arguing less. I am still busy, but somehow I am learning to stress less over little details and embrace the moment.

I'm off to Jamaica early tomorrow morning for a relaxing beach vacation with my husband. Unknowingly, he booked the same property we had stayed at 15 years ago on our first trip. The resort has a new name, but I'm sure it will feel like returning to a familiar friend's house after a long hiatus. I can't wait! Now to pack ...

Stop and smell the roses

Right around Mother's Day this year, I was feeling quite busy and a bit stressed as a consequence. I'd just returned from a long (6 day) business trip with full days and late nights, complete with 8 hours of plane travel each way. I was also gearing up for my daughter's 6th birthday party, which we were hosting at our house. We had to clean the place, assemble favors, decorate, buy snacks and drinks, etc. Add all this to a busy week of work catching up from my week out of the office was a recipe for feeling overwhelmed.

I was so distracted and stuck in the to-do list in my head that I kept putting off taking care of the lovely roses my husband and daughter had bought me for Mother's Day.

In fact, I was absently feeling a bit resentful of having yet another task to do.

Fortunately, I realized how foolish that thought was, and I was able to transform the care of my roses into a mindfulness exercise.

I enjoyed the snapping sound that the bottom of the stems made as I trimmed them carefully at an angle.

I watched the rose food dissolve into the water.

And I inhaled the lovely fragrance of the roses. Blissful.

This only took 5 minutes from my day, but was one of the more relaxing moments. But only because I reframed my perspective and turned my feelings of overwhelm into a more constructive attitude.

What do you have to do tomorrow that you can reframe as a privilege?

Asking for help is a gift

I am recovering from some tragic news. My dear friend Maija, who was my daughter's daycare director, died unexpectedly yesterday. I spent yesterday on the phone delivering the news to shocked parents and friends, in between comforting Maija's best friend and business partner.

Then we had to break the news to my daughter and her two close friends. I highly recommend this approach. The kids didn't really seem to absorb it, which I think is for the best. I helped the school compile a quick mailing list to announce the news and to coordinate backup child care for the kids. It wasn't much, but I at least felt useful.

That's me 2nd from left, Maija on the right

Today when I woke up, the news hit me and I hoped it was a bad dream. As it turns out, this is the new normal, and I will have to learn to accept it.

Maija was such a shining light, and she truly, truly loved my child as well as all of those in her care. I never saw her in a bad mood. She was such an amazing, inspiring teacher. My daughter gave her the best possible foundation of education, leadership, and compassion. I broke down in the car yesterday as I recalled Lu's little voice from the back seat, repeating what she'd learned at school that day. "Mommy, some people have brown skin like Miss Maija, and some people have tan skin like me. But we are all the same in our hearts. And we're all special."

When a new girl arrived at the daycare, Lu at first had a difficult time adjusting. She complained to Miss Maija that she was no longer the only Smart Start princess. Maija's response was so perfect. She told Lu that now she was the queen, and she had to be an ambassador to the new princess, and show her the rules. This was absolutely the best way to approach the situation with my princess-obsessed daughter. All this on the fly with other children competing for her attention. When Maija called me to relay the story, my eyes flooded with tears to have found such a compassionate woman and role model to teach my child.

One more story about the amazing legacy Maija has left. This Christmas, I made a few canvas bags with a photo from Lucy and her friend Max's photo printed on them. Lu was helping me to wrap them. I got out the wrapping paper and started to cut when Lu said to me, "Mommy, these bags are empty. Miss Maija and Miss T need supplies for the school so that the kids can do art. We need to fill the bags with glue sticks, paper, stickers scissors, and glitter." I was so proud of Lu and of everything her school had taught her. We stopped wrapping to drive to the store and pick up the supplies, and her teachers loved the gift.

This morning, I realized that I actually had to function today. I signed up to volunteer at Boys and Girls Club, to show them how to use some GoldieBlox toys I purchased for them through a grant from the Mitchell Institute. I am going today because I know that Maija would have wanted me to be strong for those kids.

Lu's current school had their big fundraiser on Saturday, for which I coordinated the silent auction. I had several emails to follow up to make sure everyone got their items, on top of an already busy week including a conference. So I made a rare choice. I decided to ask for help.

This morning, I emailed 2 parents to explain about Maija's passing, and asked if they might be able to do the auction follow up. They both accepted without hesitation.

Then I rushed downstairs to get Lu out the door for school. I searched frantically for my water bottle, knowing I was already late to drop her off. I couldn't locate my usual plastic squeeze bottle, but what I found instead was even better.

My eyes landed upon a gift bag. A local friend and mindfulness speaker Kate had gifted me a lovely glass water bottle inside last week when she came to speak at my company. It was aptly labeled full circle.

How perfect a circle this is, I thought. My daycare provider friend asked me for help yesterday dealing with the loss of her friend and business partner, and I dropped everything to help. This morning, I was helped twice, by my parent friends and by Kate, who allowed me to stay hydrated today. It helped me so much to cope with my sadness by helping out my daycare provider. It feels good to help.

So please, don't hesitate to ask for help. What you need is right in front of you.

Feeling terrible? Awesome? Just wait a minute ...

I've been reading and thinking a lot about mindfulness and Buddhist teachings lately. I think the cold, snowy winter brings out my retrospective side. The short days and lack of sunlight put me into a funk that even my happy light is challenged to disrupt. Here I sit, bracing for yet another snowstorm to disrupt my schedule.

That's my car in the middle, under all the snow

Soul searching, while uncomfortable at times, helps me to further internalize transformative messages. Like the idea that pain is inevitable, but so is joy. It takes a certain amount of discomfort to achieve a breakthrough like this. It's one thing to hear a message, and think that you get it. I love to pretend that I know it all, when reality suggests that I'm learning more about how to be my true self each day. It's quite routine that just when I think I have something all figured out, that same lesson comes back to hit me over the head a few more times until I think I might break.

So, here I sit with my quiet discomfort. Realizing that just around the corner from a painful transition will be rays of sunshine and warmth. The joy is just as transient, so I intend to enjoy every moment.

Sunset at Ft. Myers Beach

I see you, Amanda Palmer

I first started listening to Amanda Palmer in 2005 or so when my friend Dave put "Coin Operated Boy" on a mix CD. Thanks, Dave! I hated the song at first in favor of other tracks like "West End Girls" by the Pet Shop Boys and Prince's "Raspberry Beret." But the more I listened, "Coin Operated Boy" made its way from worst to first in my mind. I bought The Dresden Dolls self-titled debut, saw Amanda Palmer at the Middle East with a dear friend, and have been hooked ever since.

I recently read Amanda's The Art of Asking and have been processing and internalizing its message.

Amanda Palmer is a polarizing figure. Exhibit A is her crowd funding adventures, which attracted both supporters and haters. She is brutally honest about inventing her business model as she goes and has truly pioneered the music crowd funding model. Exhibit B is her poem about accused Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.

In her first novel, Amanda shares her struggles with asking. She seems to resist most when asking people she loves, like her husband, acclaimed writer Neil Gaiman. To ask is to expose yourself to getting burned, to place yourself in a vulnerable position. She struggles with her self esteem and feels like she can't ask her husband for money, demonstrating the struggle that all of us face with our inner demon telling us that we are not good enough.

Amanda has been called shameless as a result of her actions, but in actuality I believe she is unashamed. She's true to herself and who she is, and lets the rest go. I admire how comfortable she is in her skin, and how much confidence and respect she exudes.

My portrait of Amanda at her 11/11/14 reading at Royale

One part of her book that surprised me was her treatment of her drummer Brian Viglione. Their band the Dresden Dolls took a very public hiatus when Brian commented on a video clip stating that the band was over. Yet Amanda skimmed over the drama and hurt feelings and had nothing but love for Brian. That kind of forgiveness shows her integrity and comfort with herself; she won't let something that someone did to her shake her core.

Amanda uses her fans as a springboard to help further to find her experience and journey in this life. She shares proudly the parts of the book that her fans contributed to. As a fan who has interacted with Amanda on Twitter, Facebook, and her blog, it makes me feel so connected to her and this book. I enjoyed reading how Amanda allows her fans to experience her actions and emotions through in her songs on blender level one. 

This amazing artist somehow manages to combat the overwhelm of social media to connect at an individual level with her fans. As someone who now has social media marketing as part of her job description thanks to a recent reorg, I can attest how difficult an achievement that is. I am completely and wholly in awe of her ability to connect with dozens of friends and strangers daily without allowing the social frenzy to take over.

Amanda discloses her vulnerability by sharing the momentous events in her life such as a recent abortion. Her ability to share the great, the tragic, and the mundane equally just floors me. I only share shards of my complex self on this blog and I strive someday to have the confidence to disclose even a tenth of what Amanda shares about herself daily.

Amanda doesn't apologize because she is secure in herself, her body, her music. She asks for help as she creates and shapes her journey through life, one fan at a time. Palmer's fans see her, and she sees us. Thank you for seeing and teaching me, Amanda, through your songs, your writing, and your heart. We should all be so lucky to have found such a role model.

If you're new to Amanda Palmer, my current favorite song is Straight. My all-time favorite is Mandy Goes to Med School. My favorite songs fluctuate based on what's going on in my life. But Amanda's heartfelt, honest music routinely makes it to my shortlist of favorite artists ever (also included are They Might Be Giants, Ben Folds, Guster, Tori Amos, and Regina Spektor). To me, the theme that connects these seemingly disparate artists is their heartfelt, inspiring lyrics.

Thank you again, Amanda, for seeing me!

Edited to add: A condensed version of this blog appeared on Fresh Baked Cookies, the Papercuts JP blog (an independent local bookstore).

What are you sorry for?

I've recently become more conscious of my previously unnoticed apologizing. A senior female colleague at work pointed it out to me, and I was able to minimize my use of the words "I'm sorry" and "I apologize." But I found myself continuing to use an apologetic tone at times, especially at work.

Take this week. I have been battling the usual wintertime illnesses, and hit a breaking point on Tuesday. I took a sick day. When I returned to the office, I began an overdue email to several colleagues waiting on me.

I began my draft, "I'm sorry." Then I paused. Was I really sorry? I was sorry to have been sick, and apologetic if my illness had interrupted their schedules. But did I really need to be sorry in this case?

I thought. I regrouped. I typed:

And you know what? Everyone was happy to have me back, and no one called me out for not directly apologizing.

My apology should not be given lightly. The only time I should apologize is if I have truly hurt someone. So I am banning mundane apologies starting now. I'm waiting to hear that something that I did hurt someone before I apologize. In the past I've said to a friend, "sorry I didn't get back to your email for two days." But maybe they weren't waiting on me. I will first ask them if my delay caused any inconvenience. If I suspect that it's a timely question, I will check in with a status, such as "I don't think I can get to this until Friday. Please let me know if that's a problem."

Can you replace I'm sorry with an explanation? I find that most times, I can.

Because I am just not sorry anymore.

Surrender

My word of 2015 is surrender. I didn't choose this one word lightly. I used Thesaurus.com and the internet in general to attempt to classify my feelings stemming from the emotions, themes, and insights from my 2014 retrospective/2015 plan. 

So many words came to mind. My 2012 word was mindful. I considered calm, peace, reflect, and a lot of antonyms to chaos. None of them felt like the mot juste. So I kept searching. What do I need to learn in 2015? 2014 was a year of transition: a new school for my daughter, a new house for my family, and at work, 4 different managers and a job change. I seek some stability and comfort in my routine. 

How did I face this last transition year? Not always with grace, I'm afraid. Particularly in often-shifting situations, I was too bossy and controlling as a way to exert the power I craved. I kept myself busy with projects, sometimes to the point of overwhelm. It's important to give back to your work, family, community, etc. But like the old oxygen mask adage, you need to care for yourself first to have enough to contribute. More does not equal better. It can lead to clutter in your belongings, too many insecure thoughts, not enough time for introspection.

So, I reflected on what control means to me. A lot of control is feeling competent and in power, so it makes sense that it's what I sought in a year of change. A fantastic manager from 2014 helped me to understand my sphere of influence when it comes to items I cannot control. So rather than focus on global issues or problems, my limited time is best spent exerting control and influence in the areas where I can make a difference.

Now that the dust has settled in 2015, I seek to cede control wherever possible. I am realizing that I lack experience in this area. I don't know how to not fill my life; I've never tried it. It's a huge leap of faith to imagine that I can just turn off, or turn down, what has made me successful for the last 34 years. Part of me wonders why I would want to. But the larger part realizes the fallacy of control and is willing to experience this transformation. To focus more on my reasons for needing this power, and backing off.

I am a huge believer in messages coming your way over and over, in different ways, until you can internalize them and integrate them into your life. Several dear friends have attempted to show me that I am too overwhelmed in the past. I have adopted these well-intentioned teachings only to the extent I knew how at the time. I struggled with the impulse to Let It Go last Halloween, and I've become better at letting the small things go. But what about the larger ones? And how can I internalize this lesson, besides using a mantra bracelet? Here's a NSFW (profanity) article about the subtle art of letting go, and choosing what to focus on.

I'm evolving, one small step at a time. This year I'm learning to sit with the discomfort and overwhelm, and resist every impulse to distract myself or tune out from the uncomfortable feelings. I don't really need to check my mobile phone every 5 minutes. My friends and family will always be on the other end. While I am looking for a breakthrough, I realize that they don't happen overnight.

It was snowing when I dropped Lu off at school today. I took it slow, since my car is suboptimal in the snow. I left my daughter at the front door with a kiss. Seeing no reason to rush home, I took a different route home using right turns rather than face a dangerous left turn across 3 lanes on a busy, snowy morning. On the way, I made a right turn that brought me right to a dead end, so I needed to turn around. I took a deep breath and registered my initial frustration on my new route taking even longer. I realized that this was a remnant of my cluttered thinking that I always need to rush to the next thing. So I breathed again and returned on my way.

It's a small step. But it feels right to eliminate some left turns in my life at this moment, and seek an alternate route. 

Happy new year

2015. It sounds quite futuristic.

I just did a couple of looking forward and back exercises from Rosie Molinary's blog that I found very inspiring. First she has a retrospective of 2014. It's not too late; I did mine today! All you need is half an hour, some paper, and maybe a mug of tea.

I followed up my retrospective with a plan for 2015 and a word for the year. Her idea to flip the usual line of thinking from DO->HAVE->BE to BE->HAVE->DO really resonated with me.

These exercises are so insightful, so please check them out. The combined 3 exercises outlined above have been the best 45 minutes I spent all year. I think that they have set me up for an amazing 2015. Here's to new experiences!

Picking up the pieces

It happened suddenly. A careless move, an unbalanced box set free from an overstuffed closet. Then the tingling sound of glass shattering into 1,000 pieces.

Glass ornaments, a craft project for the long holiday weekend. All over my basement floor.

 

"Don't worry, mommy. I've got my Wishing Star."

The wishing star. The gift she got from Cinderella during our summer trip to Disney.

My heart melted. Did she really think that she could make the glass whole, unbroken simply by wishing it so?

Was I ever that hopeful?

I didn't think so.

Because some things can't be put back together.

Should I tell her? Or keep her faith alive?

3 ornaments survived the fall, so I salvaged those and brought them to her grandparents' house.

I showed them to her, proud of my sleight of hand, and she looked on, unimpressed. She focused on her plans for decorating the ceramic star in the same package.

"But Lu, aren't you surprised that your wish came true?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "Cinderella told me that it would."

Belief. It's a beautiful thing to watch. I'm thankful for her gift of conviction. It makes the holidays even more magical.