More on mindfulness

I just finished a book, 10% Happier by Dan Harris, that helped evolve my perspective on mindfulness. I won't hold it against Harris that he attended my alma mater's arch nemesis Colby College. He had some interesting things to say on mindfulness. He started out as very skeptical and critical of Zen attitudes and meditation, and ended up on a transformative journey that led him to write this memoir. He embraced the parts of mindfulness that worked for him and left the rest. Harris's final view on meditation evolved into a very self-serving model. Yet how could he avoid this when he is hawking books on meditation for profit?

What resonated with me the most was Harris's struggle with a Zen mindset conflicting with his ambition. He finally comes to the conclusion that "Striving is fine, as long as it's tempered by the realization that, in an entropic universe, the final outcome is out of your control."

A mindfulness misconception I've encountered is that being mindful means ignoring your responsibilities, or burning your to do list. Rather, mindfulness to me means being grateful for what you have in the present moment and compartmentalizing and letting the other stuff go, while still dealing with your to do list over time. It will always be there waiting for you. But the precious moments of life won't, if you ignore them. Mindfulness is realizing the impermanence of every moment, and bearing witness. It's tempting to live elsewhere, to judge yourself on past accomplishments or tasks done. Just as seductive is falling into the expectations trap of "I'll just be happy when ... [insert accomplishment, coveted purchase, etc.]." Isn't that type of happiness always fleeting, though?

I've had a lot of important pieces of my life up in the air over the last several months: where I live, work, and send my daughter to school. Struggling through these challenges, all of which were not totally under my control, allowed me to practice my mindfulness. This was not an easy time for me, though I feel very fortunate that everything turned out better than I could have hoped. Now, on the other side of these changes, I can see that my daily worry was not fruitful, and that time could have been better spent practicing gratitude. Still, that type of judgement about my past thought process is not very Zen, either. I can only resolve to remind myself to ask, "Is this thought useful?" as worries inevitably enter my consciousness going forward.

I tend to think of my setbacks in my life like a mosquito, an annoying, buzzing sound that will go away if I swat at it or ignore it. But that's a short sighted approach, and I find the same issues keep popping up over and over. As Buddhist nun Pema Chodron says, “Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” (recently quoted by Kate Hanley at Ms. Mind Body). In cases like this, it's important to assess what this challenge is trying to teach me? Maybe it's two steps forward, one step back for a good reason.

Starstruck

I met Margaret Atwood yesterday. I still can't believe I just typed that. I saw a few weeks ago that she was appearing at the Brattle St. Theatre in Harvard Square before a showing of the movie based on her epic book The Handmaid's Tale. I bought 2 tickets immediately and eagerly anticipated the event. Since we are moving in 2 weeks, the 2 hardcover copies of The Robber Bride I keep in my library as my go-to birthday gift are packed away in storage, so I had to visit the Harvard Coop to pick up a couple of paperbacks in case I was lucky enough to get an autograph. My dear friend agreed to go with me and we waited in line to get in, and got some excellent seats a few rows back near the middle. I was sitting there, waiting for the show to start, when I realized that Margaret Atwood was seated 10 feet away across the aisle, and only 1-2 people were waiting to talk to her! I immediately scrambled into the ad hoc line and chatted with the woman in front of me about how awesome Margaret Atwood is. She mentioned that she felt she was a Canadian national treasure. I grabbed my purse from my friend so I could try to get a photo, which the girl in front of me took and I reciprocated. I gave her my card so she could email me for her photo.

When I got to sit next to Ms. Atwood, I said what an honor it was to meet her, and told her that she is my all-time favorite author. I said that I wrote my honors English thesis at Bates College about The Robber Bride and The Handmaid's Tale, and that I'd won a grant to travel to Toronto to photocopy her original manuscripts so I could analyze the notes. She replied, "That sounds like a lot of work!"As she signed my books, she commented on my name, Charis "like the character in The Robber Bride," and I told her, yes, that's why I originally read the book, except you pronounce my name Charis not Karis like the character. Fortunately, I had practiced what I would tell her with my friend over dinner at the Beat Hotel, a poorly named bar and not hotel but a good restaurant around the corner (try the buffalo cauliflower appetizer!). The practice run alleviated some of the jitters and allowed me to be slightly less starstruck in the face of greatness.

We watched The Handmaid's Tale, which stood up better than I expected. Atwood's introduction of the movie was so insightful. She mentioned that the voiceovers of Natasha Richardson were removed, which was supposed to convey an inner dialogue, and that the late actress had been annoyed about this because she thought it made the silences that had been voiced over seem awkward. She also mentioned that many people were disappointed with the ending, which deviated from the original. Lastly, she told the audience that a TV series of The Handmaid's Tale is in the works! I was on cloud nine the entire evening, and still am! I'm going to try to find out how to get in touch with my Bates English thesis advisor so I can share this blog and photo.

Thanks to Marie for suggesting this blog topic!

All About Conferences

After attending the awesome Simmons Leadership Conference last week, I pause to reflect on how these type of events have been transformative and inspirational. Especially when there's a lot going on at your job, it can be really difficult to justify being out of the office for a whole day or several. But sometimes the busiest times are the most important ones for you to take that break and gain a new perspective.

Dee McCrorey's work introduced me to strategic inflection points, those times in one's career where you can make a pivotal jump or change to secure a successful future. I fist met Dee at an intensive workshop she ran at the 2010 Grace Hopper Celebration of Women in Computing. This event in retrospect turned out to be a strategic inflection point in my own career. Being around so many successful women in the technology industry helped me to overcome my impostor syndrome and aspire to seek leadership roles in tech.

Dr. Duy-Loan Le's inspiring mandate to the attendees really resonated with me: Be excellent. I've never heard anyone command a room the way Dr. Le did. Everyone ceased checking in on their devices, except maybe to tweet a key quote from the speech.

It's possible to internalize the energy and passion of speakers and bring this enthusiasm back to the office with you. These new ideas and new connections gleaned from the event can inspire, energize, and jumpstart you in a new role or an existing job.

While at the conference, be open and receptive to meeting new connections, while making time to strengthen existing ones. I've met some of my most interesting conference connections while in a line or at the same lunch table. The sessions at many conferences are recorded, so I stop to enjoy a hallway conversation as they develop, and can watch the speaker later.

Actively participate by taking notes, and following twitter. Here's a tweet I sent while listening to Hillary Clinton's afternoon keynote.

Hillary supporting paid family leave at #slc2014 pic.twitter.com/uegN2Sp5TL

— CharisLove (@CharisLove) April 23, 2014

What conference can you register for in the next year that will allow you to return to the office inspired?

What Is Crowdsourcing?

I just started a new job at my company last Monday. I love the role, the team, and the mission. I'm really excited to be part of a group changing my company, and technology, for the better.

My new manager recently asked me a question that at first glance seems fundamental, but is actually quite complex. What, really, is crowdsourcing? It feels like a buzzword. I thought about all of the different ways I've been positively influenced by learning from others. Really, my entire existence is croudsourced, and I am always looking for ways to add to the collective knowledgebase.

Crowdsourcing is the act of participating in a collective wisdom. Tapping into an external body of knowledge can improve your life in so many ways. I crowdsource many areas of my life, including my parenting. I am a member of an online forum of local moms run on Big Tent, where I get all sorts of information. I learn everything from parenting techniques, activities and places to visit, and new time management and work/life balance tips. I even buy and sell things in my community: baby clothes, a microwave, storage bins, you name it. Another, smaller group of parents and I organize a babysitting co-op on the same platform to save a lot of money watching each others' children at mutually convenient times.

This all may sound superficial, but in fact has had a huge influence on my life. Some of the amazing things I have learned from my moms'  forum include:

• where to take my daughter for ballet lessons

• what is the best way to soothe a colicky baby

• which hospitals are best

• how to host a birthday at the playground

• what books should I read this year

• what are the best blogs (I found The Bloggess this way)

• what type of school might be best suited for my daughter

• how to schedule a large event (use Doodle)

More importantly, I've made several personal and virtual connections that have turned out to be dear friendships. I met my best mom friend at a new moms group that I learned about through the online forum. We carpool now and our kids are best friends, and I truly don't know what I would do without her. We co-parent, buying clothes for each other's kids and acting as a third parent. I also met my jogging partner, another local mom, got a referral for a food delivery service, and have found several excellent mother's helpers through the Boston University jobs board.

I love how my moms' group comes together for tragedies, both citywide and nationwide. The moms have organized for change in the wake of the Newtown shooting, Boston Marathon, and firefighters'  tragedies, and rallied around local moms who need some extra support due to personal illness or setbacks. I've seen so many moms deliver gift cards and meals to moms in need, sometimes complete strangers. It's truly heartwarming.

You can even crowdsource and coordinate meal delivery using Meal Train or Take Them a Meal, and crowdfund through Kickstarter or GoFundMe. Amazon has a new program Smile that allows you to fund causes like my daughter's school (The Boston Education Development Foundation Inc) while shopping at Amazon.

My contribution to crowdsourcing is sharing cool stuff that I've learned, like the free streaming media from Hoopla and OverDrive at the Boston Public Library, as well as how you can make make domestic or Canadian phone calls from your gmail account for free. I often share with new moms or those struggling to balance work with their family the amazing site Work Options*, where you can download professional telecommuting, maternity leave, and flextime templates that you can quickly customize to your specific situation.

Crowdsourcing can certainly been used in ways outside of your community, including gathering new ideas, looking for feedback, and getting suggestions to tailor an idea. If people share your values and vision, and they align with your objectives, you can use them to help amplify your message. You can use social media, including Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, about.me, and blogging to test that idea that you're floating around.

Just this evening, I was catching up with a good friend experiencing some worrying physical symptoms. I logged into my local moms' forum and entered some keywords, searching for a specialist. Within minutes I'd found an anonymous thread of another mom with similar symptoms, who had received advice and referrals for doctors. I shared the doctor contacts mentioned and the tips recommended by these moms with my friend. While it may not be the same issue, it will hopefully at least give her a frame of reference to research her symptoms. Reality check: Doctor Google does not know anything, so never crowdsource your medical treatment! It can be helpful, though, to ask around for medical referrals or hear from others with similar issues. When dealing with a health condition in college, I found a national foundation for the disease and was able to chat with others about the symptoms and how to manage them. It was such a huge comfort to be able to connect with people going through the same thing. I also found a similarly helpful forum when dealing with a relative's challenging condition.

I've learned that the more knowledge I gain, the less I find I really know. So I continue to crowdsource to find out how I can live my best life. I encourage you to try it, and tell me about your crowdsourcing experiences in the comments!

*Disclosure: I am an affiliate of Work Options.

Why I don't mind my 45 minute commute

That's 45 minutes each way, no traffic, about 70 miles round trip. Lu winning the kindergarten lottery means we will stay in Boston for the foreseeable future. I just accepted a new position at my company, so the commute stays.

I use my 45 minutes to enjoy listening to audiobooks. It is such an escape, like having a travel companion on a long road trip who is the best storyteller. Thanks to the Boston Public Library (BPL), I have access to a nearly unlimited selection of stories from world-renowned authors, plus relative unknowns. I never know when I'll discover my next favorite author. BPL has 2 great online services for audiobooks, eBooks, and more, OverDrive and Hoopla. The best part is that all Massachusetts residence can access these for free.

I manage my wish list of books on Goodreads. I have about 80 on my to-read shelf. That should keep me listening for at least a few more years. Not to mention all of the awesome books that have yet to be written.

We're shopping for a new place to live in Boston. I'm holding out for a house that has a bookshelf like this.

Edited 8/6 to offer this handy tip from a colleague: Check out this post on how to set it so that your iPhone or other device remembers where you are in an audiobook: http://lifehacker.com/262759/set-your-long-mp3s-to-remember-playback-position.

Lottery day

I just won the lottery! Unless you're a parent from Boston, it's not what you think. It's the school lottery.

Whenever I explain the Boston Public School lottery system, I introduce it as the hunger games for kindergarten. This is only a slight exaggeration, as it does not involve death. However, it's one of the most stressful processes I've ever been through, including applying for and being accepted into college and grad school. The lottery is based on an MIT-developed algorithm and while parents can select their desired schools, chance decides who gets accepted. Boston offers several kindergarten options: K2 is what other areas would call kindergarten, a class of 5 year olds. Boston also offers K1 for 4 year olds and K0 for 3 year olds, which is also on a lottery basis. Since demand far exceeds supply, many people like us end up with the K0 and K1 equivalent, preschool. This was a blessing for my family, because we got to stay at our favorite preschool Smart Start. 

We had been planning to stage our condo and move out of the city to a suburb with highly ranked schools. But this changes everything. Now we actually can consider staying in our beloved city. I've lived in Jamaica Plain for 10 years, and it's always felt like home to me.

I am really excited about the school Lucinda was placed into, as well as a school that we got sixth on the waitlist for.

However, it's a bittersweet day. This day could have turned out so differently for my family. And while I'm hearing several other happy stories like ours, I'm also hearing from parents who did not get assigned a spot at all, let alone one of their favorites. My heart goes out to the people who did not fare so well today. I can very easily imagine the difficult choices they are about to face. Worse still are the families lacking choice, who may not be able to move easily and who have to send their kids to an underperforming school. I am definitely feeling some survivor's guilt, as another mom aptly put it.

I am breathing a huge sign of relief, and walking around as if on a cloud. I'm finally coming out of the uncertainty that early 2014 brought, and now I have options. I feel empowered.

How to make technology a little less intrusive

In my quest to be more mindful, I try to limit the amount of time I spend on my devices. If you're not quite ready to give up social media for Lent, here is an idea that helps me to minimize my time spent on devices.

I hate all the alerting, dinging, ringing, and beeping of notifications from Gmail, Outlook, Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn. It's push marketing, and I'm a much bigger fan of pull marketing. I prefer to check in with my various networks on my own terms, not theirs. On my iPhone, I found the constant noises and numbers so intrusive that, with the help of my brother the Mac expert, I turned off the sounds and the Badge App Icon. That's the little number in the corner of your app, and it ticks upward incessantly, quickly inducing panic (at least to me). I'll provide detailed instructions here in case you want to turn yours off, too. It works similarly on an iPad.

First, go to the Settings app. Click on Notification Center.

Go to mail (or gmail, or whatever app for which you do not want to see the Badge App Icon. Turn off whatever problematic alerts you want to stop seeing, including Badge App Icon, Sounds, and Show in Notifications Center. I've included a screenshot of turning these off of my LinkedIn app.

I hope this tip helps you dictate your usage of social media on your own terms and reduces your in-person interruptions.

Edited to add: here's a great incentive to put down your phone! The UNICEF clean water project will donate clean water to people in need for every 10 minutes you go without touching your phone.